I pretend there is nothing awry. It’s all good to go. But I lie, I know…
The life I live is not the life Jesus calls me to. I can make it seem that way in my mind, but in my heart I know I am a deceiver. I am a fraud, one who uses Jesus for personal gain.
I have written hundreds of posts about what it means to live and dwell in the kingdom, but I am far from it.
I know that now.
The people of this distant land bow down and worship sticks and stones… and I mockingly sneer their foolishness. If they could see my heart, it would be them who sneers… at least they are sincere. My idols are much more sophisticated but they rule over me none the less.
* * * * *
It took me weeks after returning to the states to finally go where I promised God I would go. My Pastor reminded me of it this night; Bethel. I did not sleep restfully this night for I have wearied much.
John Bunyan, in his timeless tale of Christian in Pilgrim’s Progress, describes my allegiance to the faith acutely with his telling us of Pliable’s actions, “…he gave a desperate struggle or two and got out of the mire on the side of the swamp that was nearest to the city of destruction.”
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Then said he (Help), Give me thine hand. So he gave him his hand and he drew him out, and set him on sound ground, and bid him go on his way.
“The steps of a good man are directed by The Lord.
he delights in each step they take.
If they fall, it isn’t fatal,
For The Lord holds them with His hand.”
Ps 37: 23-24
He delights in our steps. Even the ones that leave mud on our shoes. We are on a journey of what will be, not what might have been. The road goes ever on…
Thank you my dearest friend… your words are comforting salve to many wounds, wounds endured trying to put the pieces together.