The life I live is not the life Jesus calls me to. I can make it seem that way in my mind, but in my heart I know I am a deceiver. I am a fraud, one who uses Jesus for personal gain.
I have written hundreds of posts about what it means to live and dwell in the kingdom, but I am far from it.
I know that now.
The people of this distant land bow down and worship sticks and stones… and I mockingly sneer their foolishness. If they could see my heart, it would be them who sneers… at least they are sincere. My idols are much more sophisticated but they rule over me none the less.
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It took me weeks after returning to the states to finally go where I promised God I would go. My Pastor reminded me of it this night; Bethel. I did not sleep restfully this night for I have wearied much.
John Bunyan, in his timeless tale of Christian in Pilgrim’s Progress, describes my allegiance to the faith acutely with his telling us of Pliable’s actions, “…he gave a desperate struggle or two and got out of the mire on the side of the swamp that was nearest to the city of destruction.”